Category: mental health

It was great to be back in Ottawa for a few days last week.

When I went to school there a hundred million years ago, I always got the sense that the city was steeped in history. It felt old. I mean, I know it’s old. But it really felt historic. It felt different this time.

I remember myself, back in my first year at Ottawa U, when I lived in residence, and would walk to the grocery store. I can now see on Google Maps that is a 1.1km walk that would take approximately 15 minutes. (It goes uphill a bit.) I’m pretty sure we were still reliant on MapQuest back then. And I don’t remember wanting to print out a map. I had experience as a cadet! I had a good internal compass. (shifty eyes.)

I remember that walk felt like an eternity.

I remember feeling weight of the city’s history and it feeling a little lonely. I wondered what would have come of the city if the Queen hadn’t been like… “Ok HERE, I guess.” (Direct quote, Queen Victoria.)

I wonder if that feeling would hold true today, when I would have distracted myself on my phone the entire walk home, or just Uber’d my way back from the grocery store. There was a shuttle, but I think I was always too anxious to wait around for it to come back. Or I would miss it.

The French language being spoken out in the open everywhere feels like a warm blanket of my heritage. But that bilingualism is celebrated, and not solely Francophonie reaffirms my identité.

The city does still feel the same, but faster. The condos are popping up and changing the landscape of the Centretown of my memories. I walked, but I also drove around.

I reconnected with friends in general, and to do an improv workshop. I made new ones too. We worked on listening to each other, on being patient and taking our time. 

When I left Ottawa I’d just received my anxiety diagnosis. 

Coming back I felt like I decided to intentionally take my time. Be patient, and listen to the beat of the city. It felt good to be back. And still I wonder…

I went on vacation this week. I almost asked to reschedule because I Think You Should Leave – Season 2 came out in the middle of my time off. Seriously. I thought about staying home when I found out the release date.

Not a surprise to anyone who met me in the hotmail days of tv_addict1@hotmail.com – (honestly, that email address might still work, I should really check it out and see if I’ve missed anything over the past decade.)

I did go. I was fully prepared to activate my delayed gratification function for the absurd sketch show until we got home. There wasn’t supposed to be any wifi at the cottage. It was supposed to be a tech-less paradise. That’s why I didn’t bring a laptop. I would have used it. For Netflix. And work. Not vacation stuff.

Given the past year and a half, I honestly think my Netflix needs a vacation more than I do.

That’s not true. I need one. Needed one. Took one, regardless of making Tim Robinson wait til I got home, like the cat — and stupidly like the cat, I checked in on Tim. We tried to stream episodes of ITYSL on a tiny iPhone screen. I think 75% of that show’s comedy is in Tim Robinson’s face and teeth, so we missed a lot of it being on a teeny tiny screen. Why couldn’t I just have let it go? Because most everyone went to bed and those of us still up were drunk and high, that’s why.

The weather was less than ideal for vacationing. Except that one day where the outside was nice but Lake Ontario is always fucking freezing. Luckily laughter is a good substitute for sunshine and we had it in abundance.

Every cottage needs a cheese grater. FACT.

It’s a weird thing being on vacation with people a generation younger than you. Why is the music so uggggh jeeez?

The extravert that had been suppressed during lockdown reemerged AT THE COTTAGE. It’s so nice to feel the buzz of being around people once again.

It’s also nice to be home now. There’s still no place like it.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been able to establish some relatively healthy boundaries and habits over the past few lockdowns. It’s one of the good things to come out of this overall really bad thing.

But I’m worried all these boundaries I’ve set and improved upon might just come crashing down after society opens up again and we’re allowed to go back out to “normal.”

Will these habits stick? Am I a changed person now? Or was all the work just a result of imposed boundaries from an outside source? Like how when you’re in school, it’s easy to meet deadlines because there are consequences if you don’t finish the work on time. But when you’re self-employed… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When you have nothing else to work on, you can stay home and work on yourself.

I can one hundred percent turn down a Zoom show. No problem. Easy. There’s just too much Zoom!

But a one-off improv show at SoCap on a Wednesday night when I know I have a lot of stuff to do the next day, but maybe I’ll stay late and have a drink and catch up because what the hell, it’s “networking” and comedian friends are so friggin’ funny and hey, I haven’t seen them in two friggin’ years so OK maybe I’ll just have one…

What do you want? I’m an extrovert. This has been really hard for us.

CUT TO: It’s 3AM on the QEW and maybe I should just crash at my brother’s because I’ve got to be back in the City tomorrow… But no, I can’t wake him up now because he has to be up in three hours to go to work…I’ll just go home. I’ll grab a Coke to keep me awake for the rest of the drive, and heck, why not some nuggets too?

Good thing there’s no traffic at 3AM!

Pretty typical of the way things used to be.

Over the past little while, I’ve formed way better habits around:

  • Accounting & financial knowhow
  • Eating at home regularly
  • Getting the right amount of sleep (more than enough, in fact)
  • Exercising more regularly and getting more fresh air
  • More quality time with my husband (not like that pervs. I’m talking marathoning It’s Always Sunny because it counts as R&D in my line of work.)

I’m having a hard time not worrying about what comes after all of this. I’m getting my 1st dose of vaccine on Thursday, bringing me one step closer to “back to life, back to reality.”

So, when this is all done, will all this hard work fly out the window? Or am doomed to fall back into old habits?

Have I really changed that much?

When it comes time to go back to normal, will YOU want it to?

Yeah I know it’s been a weird year, and yeah I get it’s totally OK of all you accomplished this year was staying alive, breathing and not murdering your roommate. I’ve been posting YIRs since 2016 and I’m not going to stop now. If there’s anything we’ve learned in 2020, it’s that among all the chaos, there’s still a whole lot to be grateful for and it’s easy to miss if you don’t take a second to appreciate it.

My lighthouse word for 2020 was NOW. I got into reading some Eckhart Tolle thanks to Pete Holmes and felt it’d be some super great reading for an improviser, an anxious person and for life in general. I think 2020 was the perfect year to have chosen that word, and that NOW couldn’t have come at a better time.

Here’s some of the good to come out of my many NOWs in 2020:

  • Ran two successful in-person editions of Guess Who’s Coming to Improv? & brought it back via Zoom just in time for its’ 6th anniversary.
  • My company held our first corporate events.
  • Continued teaching improv with The Second City Training Centre & successfully transitioned to doing so online since March. During his process, I taught my first Level D class, the highest level I’ve taught thus far.
  • Held my first table read for my sitcom pilot.
Improv Niagara team reading Brie's comedy pilot.
We had La Croix because this was a LEGIT writer’s room.
The cast of Improv Niagara and friends with Colin Mochrie.
Improv Niagara meets our improv hero Colin Mochrie
  • Continued seeing a counsellor to help manage my anxiety.
  • Performed in the Worlds Biggest Improv Tournament with Linda Julia Paolucci as Niagara Balls, and shared that one awesome night playing arcade games and eating garbage.
  • Auditioned a bunch in person, then sent out self-tapes galore.
  • Continued writing sketches with my Utilidors partner David Lahti, closing in on what will one day be an epic themed sketch revue.
  • Maintaining a 17-year tradition of interrupting my friend Curtis in the middle of the Super Bowl.
  • Held a short run of successful Improv Fallout shows at Mahtay Café before things closed down. (Bringing it back via FB Live in 2021!)
  • Held a short run of successful POPAGANDA shows at the John Candy Box Theatre before things closed down. Attempted one online version, which proved to be very complicated.
  • Performed stand-up comedy around the Niagara Region.
  • Recorded seven new episodes of The Constant Struggle Podcast with my brother Nick.
  • Performed many improv scenes and sets in Toronto & Niagara, including a set with the Second City Main Stage cast.
  • Performed in The Vagina Monologues at Camp Cataract (ICYI – I performed the The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy monologue – that’s me to the right, in the pleather.)
The Women who performed The Vagina Monologues on stage at Camp Cataract in Niagara Falls, ON.
The incredible cast of The Vagina Monologues at Camp Cataract in Niagara Falls, ON
  • Participated in a Race & Theatre in Niagara workshop, hopeful more work continues on this front.
  • Premiered our pilot “Time Slicers” at the Toronto Sketch Comedy Film Festival.
  • Built up the courage to ask for something I really wanted.

And then, things happened. Life shifted. From home, I created different NOWs.

  • I binge-watched SO MUCH EPIC TV.
  • Many sweaty Sherwarrior workout sessions.
  • Performed many mini-online shows with Improv Niagara in the early days of the pandemic.
  • Began performing in Toronto-based online shows like Duo Derby and Connect 40, which did a great job of bringing the improv community back together in these tricky times.
  • Grew a vegetable and herb garden in my backyard.
  • Held my second official Writers’ Room. This time, digitally.
Zoom meeting of people's faces, reading Brie's pilot script.
Script Read-thru | Round 2
  • Participated in improv jams and classes with people from around the world from the comfort of my own home.
  • Participated in the virtual edition of In the Soil Festival with the women & enbies of Improv Niagara.
  • Held outdoor, socially distanced improv rehearsals in my backyard and in local parks.
  • Protested anti-black racism, police brutality & social injustice.
  • Spent a few weekends in London, ON working on an indie comedy about a cult.
  • Read 50 new, original Canadian comedy plays.
  • Began co-leading improv & mindfulness workshops with Stream Yoga + Meditation
  • Attended the Our Cities on Our Stages symposium online though Bad Dog Theatre.
  • Improv Niagara’s newest Kids’ Instructor, Simon, offered workshops with the Town of Pelham.
  • IN held a series of outdoor, socially-distanced improv shows at Camp Cataract for the summer.
  • Attended my first Zoom bris.
  • Was invited to guest on Tuong La’s Ranked podcast with Dan & Nick.
  • Celebrated 4 years of wedded bliss at the top of the Skylon Tower.
  • Learned how to grow and harvest cannabis.
  • Booked a role on a French web series for TFO & shot it in December (where I got my first swab.)
Selfie of Brie in full make-up, hair done, on set for the French webseries shoot.
On set as Mme. Gisèle.
  • Participated in an online version of Culture Days with Improv Niagara.
  • Participated in the Niagara Leadership Summit for Women and was reinvigorated by it.
  • Took an awesome workshop with my Chicago improv heroines Susan Messing & Rachael Mason.
  • IN participated online in Dunnville, ON’s River Arts Festival.
  • Improv Niagara wrote & performed a virtual sketch for Suitcase in Point’s Community Comedy Series
  • IN’s held our first ever student show, broadcast live via Facebook (because groups of 10+ were not permitted.)
  • Welland finally got a Starbucks
  • I stayed alive.
  • I breathed.
  • I Didn’t kill my roommate.

I’m thankful for all of the NOWs 2020 brought along and I do wish to continue working in being present and in the moment (luckily I’m in the right field for that.) NOW, my word for 2021 is very different. Stay tuned.

2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016

HAPPY 2021!

A cat rubbing up against a laundry basket.

I think the main difference between my life with a full-time, 9-5 job and my life now is that I have more clean laundry now.

I’m not saying I was some filthy dirtbag at work or anything. Just that I remember doing laundry was always a scramble. And maybe it still is from time to time. And maybe you’re thinking: “Why is this so-called comedian talking about laundry?” Well, you do laundry, don’t you? We all do freakin’ laundry! It’s just nice to be able to get ready to go to an audition, or to go play softball, or to have a gig at night, and not have to fish out what I want to wear out of the dirty clothes basket, or the floor for that matter in all it’s wrinkly, deodorant-stained splendour.

Also, this is ultimately more about time than it is laundry. It’s nice to have the time to do basic human maintenance.

Sometimes, it’s these little things that stand out and need acknowledging.

What are some of the little things you do to help keep you feeling positive?

I’m in the process of moving again. Completely expected and according to plan, but it’s still hard.

The physical act of moving is hard, but so is the psychological and emotional one. I’ve gotten used to this place and even though I’m really just moving down the street, the idea that I’m already packing up all my things again and relocating is just friggin’ hard.

I just need home base. From there I can jump around, create, and grow. But moving around all the time is like cutting the foundation out from underneath and consequently any growth that had already occurred. Gotta plan more seeds somewhere new.

I know that’s not entirely the case. There are some projects that persist and I’m certainly not starting over from zero, but there’s something of the disturbance of the balance of that foundation – the notion of home, the illusion of a permanent, secure place, cracks the foundation of me; my motivation. I self-sabotage certain elements of my work and myself because I’m just so tired of moving the couches and displacing the space where I have come to do my real good dreaming.